life

Son and mother 5

2011-01-10T06:10:00.002Z

Son and mother 4

2011-01-10T06:00:00.002Z

mother and son 3

2011-01-10T01:07:00.002Z

Son and mother 2

2011-01-10T00:36:00.002Z

Painful to watch but a good antidote for any further motherly instincts.

Son and mother

2011-01-10T00:10:00.003Z

Teaching Love, Life and Dreams

2011-01-04T00:33:00.002Z

You know, sometimes it takes more than 3 years to teach someone to drive,
so perhaps it takes much longer to teach someone the meaning of Love, Life, and Dreams?
How long?
Happy Valentine's Day 2011

Destiny

2010-06-17T18:05:00.001+01:00

The last 3 years have been like a metamorphosis of my life.

I have visited many places and met many people. I don’t seem to be able to... or want to keep pace with those companions. Perhaps I hear a different music and follow the beats of different drum?

Hence I am still seeking to find a place that I belong to and people who follow the same path with the same rhythm. Searching for my team.

I hope someday I will find what I seek. Destiny has found this path for me and is hard at work so I’ll let Her decide.

My Guide told me to follow my instincts, I'll do just that as in the past when I followed the over analysed rational thoughts things did not work out so well.

When The Higher Power is at work best to obey.

17th May 2010

http://www.hayhouseradio.com/

2008-11-27T00:41:00.001Z

I’m raw but defined and I don’t confirm with any protocols. I’m wild but nice!

numb mind

2008-10-10T02:05:00.002+01:00

It seems this brain washing has taken it toll. somehow I have been numb, as i start to really feel the pain and don't want to listen to the ones that are giving it. Why the kind one who can't bully is going to become the bullied. How bad does it feel when your own son does it. how do you assert your life and fight to overcome it all?
if you don't want drugs smoked in your house, is that OK? if they smash your TV because you chuck the drugs down the drain...so then you test a resq me tool on the precious ALFA and smash the window...it works...how low does it have to go? what's next? Monday is the final day...locks are changing!

do you know why i like you?

2008-08-01T05:59:00.002+01:00

From: Jane Eyre
To: Guy
Sent: Monday, 14 April, 2008 10:50:11 PM
Subject: do you know why I like you...?

Because you are;

sensitive,
caring,
kind...

well...most of the time...until I RATTLE YOUR CAGE...for one reason or the another...only known to you...and you don't share...it's not the done thing in your world...is being sensitive seen as a weakness in some of your circles? So in a moment of passion open up, then sober up to some kind of reality of cynicism and lock up again in fear of being thought of sensitive as week?

beauty is only skin deep eh? without substance there's nothing...

be who you want to be...

I believe in destiny...do you?

Do you know why Eagles are so good? experience! and they are good people too.

The lyrics to "The Long Road Out of Eden" are great, very meaningful, so many lives down the drain...who cares as long as THEY have it all eh?

I have spent the whole day with foxes, I love it! Felicity is such a nice person. The girl can multitask! I'm learning and helping...the highlight of my week...cleaning the foxes poo, ab fab...
We collected 2 cubs from retirement home (i used to install tv's in places like that, they loved me..as I did them). One cub kept puking up. Poo was everywhere too. Feli kept trying to ram all cars on RA's, she's a good driver but has loads on her mind...klutz driving happens.
I kept trying to catch and kill all the flees...fat chance...but the cubs had constant cuddle.

have peaceful night...listen to KG :)

ps. I do keep my promises...did I promise to leave you alone as in not to write anything at all?
:( I can't remember...

a poor man

2008-07-29T08:23:00.003+01:00

Poor is a man who judges others not by merit but by birth or moneys worth...

The elusive thing...

2008-06-28T06:49:00.000+01:00

Why are you so cruel to me?

I thought you were the man of mercy,

A knight with honour and integrity,

A man of passion and sincerity

Sensitivity, kindness and wisdom.

You ARE that man,

But what happened in your life

To make you fear love?

Do you not believe it exists?

It does, I’ve seen it, not often.

It’s rare but it’s there.

No conditions, no fear, no hurt

Just true kindness, tolerance and truth,

All you have to do is to open your heart again and believe,

It will be yours forever.

A Sword of Love

2008-05-15T22:35:00.002+01:00

I am fighting with the sword of love,
but it's not a fight
it's a plea for mercy
and my surrender.
That is my last weapon,
and the only weapon I had and wanted to have,
I just didn't know how to use it.
It was a sword encrusted with the rust of anger and hate.
So thick it was hard to see through to the core of shining steel...
but slowly with time the crust has broken away and the only thing left now is pure and true.
Love is the Katana of choice...

holding back

2008-04-20T16:39:00.003+01:00

It's amazing how much I want to write to him and how much I have to hold back from doing so...
I know I have to give him time. I will send the book inscribed with my inner thoughts and my promise, send him the Cd's I promised and wait for him until he's ready. How long I don't know...I hope not years. He's my soulmate, the man I truly adore in every sense of the word, feel comfortable with, trust explicitly...WHY? I DON'T KNOW!!!

Anna Maria Jopek "Szepty I łzy" "Whispers and tears"

2008-04-20T09:05:00.004+01:00

Szepty I łzy
Słońce na niebie gaśnie za rzeką
Zmierzch ma zapach siana i snu
Pójdę przed siebie, pójdę daleko
Za ostatni las białych brzóz

Pójdę daleko, pójdę na łąki
Malowane złotem i rdzą
Zwierzę się wierzbom z naszej rozłąki
Wierzby wierzą szeptom i łzom

Tęsknię za Tobą, płaczę po Tobie
Płaczą ze mną rosy i mgły
W ciszy drżą słowa, których nie powiem
Bo rozumiesz je tylko Ty

Pójdę daleko, pójdę na łąki
Malowane złotem i rdzą
Zwierzę się wierzbom z naszej rozłąki
Wierzby wierzą szeptom
Wierzby wierzą szeptom
Wierzby wierzą szeptom i łzom

Pójdę daleko, pójdę na łąki
Malowane złotem i rdzą
Zwierzę się wierzbom z naszej rozłąki
Wierzby wierzą szeptom
Wierzby wierzą szeptom
Wierzby wierzą szeptom i łzom

Whispers and tears

Sun in the sky fades beyond the river
Hay and sleep is the scent of dusk
I’ll walk toward, I’ll walk far
Beyond last forest of white birches

I’ll walk far, to the meadows
Painted with gold and rust
I’ll tell the willows about our distance and longing
Willows believe whispers and tears

I long for you, I cry after you
The dew and fog are crying with me
In silence the words tremble, that I won’t say
Because only You will understand

I’ll walk far, walk to the meadows
Painted with gold and rust
I’ll tell the willows about our distance and longing
Willows believe whispers
Willows believe whispers
Willows believe whispers and tears

I’ll walk far, walk to the meadows
Painted with gold and rust
I’ll tell the willows about our distance and longing
Willows believe whispers
Willows believe whispers
Willows believe whispers and tears

magnetism

2008-04-16T00:34:00.001+01:00

It’s some kind of magnetism that drives me towards you. I don’t know what it is! Why it happened? I’m normally good at controlling emotions…
It’s fine by me if you feel the way you do, if you never want to see me again, I won’t ask you any questions as you have a difficulty replying, that’s OK.

Remember you started it with your “thank you” email, and the other ones and my replies. The “instinct” email, yours “treading carefully in my world” all these were for real. I did not play any games, never liked that…I could not play games like that…never have, never will…
I’m truly sorry if I hurt your feelings. I never hurt anything; I rather walk away from an argument then hurt people, especially you…
But I think your perspectives are different to mine and things got misunderstood…
I think I only “rattle your cage” because it appeared to me as the only way to get any response from you. Undesired one for sure, but a way of checking if you’re still out there…remember I care and wonder…
It was going sort of fine even after South Am trip, the texts from o2. I was in the middle of the concert… with all the music all emotions poured out in a text message about passion…I didn’t even realise I had sent such a text message…the message was true though.
You still talked and opened up to me again; your friend, martial arts…
Then I asked to join you in the life music…no reply…fine.

Everything really changed on Easter Sunday. I went to meet the fox project and then told you about it and everything blew out…

I don’t know what part of “Sunday” annoyed you so much, but I feel I need to explain and clarify my reasons for all the “things” in that email.
Because I FEEL your “viewing angles” are “slightly” different to mine.

If it was the Fox Project that you are upset about then I’m sorry but you were not sharing any information with me and I needed to do something meaningful with my life. I wasted countless hours working for slave drivers, who only used my dedication and hard work without reward for their own benefit for years, I hated them for it but always tried and hoped they will see my worth… it was all in vain. I make enough money now to be able to do something that makes me happy and I have found it, met lovely people because of it. I’ll dedicate my time and money and mind to it, because it makes me happy to help the helpless animals and people who help them. If it’s what got you angry then that is tough! I’m going to stay there.

Intrusive? The picture? Or your address? So I like a guy who was sending me emails like no one before…I liked him lots, he told me things about himself…I liked him more…I’m savvy on the ol’ tinternet (needs must) so I google his name, things are there to see…Google earth. What do I do? Nothing just know a little more…not enough…human curiosity got us out of the caves…how’s that intrusive?

Abusive? “I Rattle your cage” I know… for the reasons as above…who wants to be promised so much and get nowt? Sorry about your dad, I recon he’s not like you, thinking that his driving needs any improvements. Majority of the publics is like that, hence my surprise with you…

all the rest in the “Sunday” is true too, that is how I felt…kiss regret…true about me waiting for your emails to come on my phone…so take it as you will, from how many angles or points of view or perspectives…it’s all true. If it’s too much I can’t help it. It seems I don’t do things by halves and I can’t help the way I feel…so hell it’s the way it is…no one ever kept up with me…

I could never be a bully so I’m sorry if you ever felt that I was. I give people the benefit of the doubt and try and see thing from their side…see what makes them “tick” in the positive way, and I try many times until there’s no way, it's when I give up…

Where there’s hope I fight and pray…

If I believe in something or someone I’ll try very hard…

;)

honesty once and for all and for the final time!

2008-04-14T05:10:00.003+01:00

From: Jane Eyre 666 Sent: 13 April 2008 23:00

Guy!
as the title suggests, I think it's time to be very honest with each other.

Your initial emails were something different from what is now 8 moths later (to the day! 13-08-07).

You have not been honest with me AT ALL.

I have let my friends read you emails because I thought I was dreaming.
And everyone said the same thing...THIS GUY LIKES YOU!

I never had any luck in my life and I struggled for everything. (last 22 years)

Then you come in, someone who I like so much and he likes me back. I was on cloud nine!
Never happened before, the man I had always dreamed of has come into my life...

He says I made him smile on more fronts then he cares to admit, that he likes the Polish language better the Russian, that I rock, that I'm worthy of working with his team...lets meet for supper...no armour....

I've lived in 20 years of shite, it's all over me, so I don't know who I'm anymore, I don't really know how to respond...but I know one thing...my integrity and honesty, those basic principles that i never sacrificed for any money. I was losing because of them...because it seems even YOU cannot handle the truth! when I tell you the truth you run like a dog with a tail between your legs...can you not handle the truth? So I have 20 years past of sacrifice for good reasons...

Analyse everything...Everything I know about you was on line! you put it there! Google my name...see what you find, I have nothing to hide, what are you trying to? WHO ARE YOU Afraid OFF? ME, WHY?
So you can't face ME? WHY? Am I that scary? ugly? repugnant? Stupid?

I want you to tell me the truth, I really need a closure! I don't want to loose you ever BUT IF It's what you want I WILL WALK AWAY! but it will not end just like that! FULL OF SHIT!
AND IF YOU DON'T reply I will find YOU! and YOU WILL FACE ME! and I don't care how aggressive that sounds! YOU DON'T PLAY with my emotions and then walk away JUST LIKE THAT.

TOLD YOU...your dad taught you sweet FA (fuck all) DON'T PLAY with FIRE if you DON'T want to get BURNED

Do you want me to quote some more of your emails maybe?

How is your dad BTW (by the way!). Is he no longer in need of the assessment of his driving? Or was there an underlying reason why he needed one hm?
I wonder what that could be...? Care to explain....?

Do I sound PISSED OFF? you have no idea....
So, if I want to find you, where are you going to hide from me? Sudan, Congo, Zimbabwe, Uganda ( some fab American soldiers, brainwashed them well yet? it must be SO easy to do...they're so THICK!)

OR I you going to be a MAN for a change? decisive, honest, intelligent & truthful?

I told you...I keep my promises ALWAYS! So you going to face me whether you like it or not! I'm tired of pissing about.
Remember I know where you live and work...and I ride the road bike (and the off road probably now too) much faster then you...and since I'm nothing short of insane you have no chance of escaping...

Re all the stuff I sent you... according to the signature you signed for the watch...
If you wanted nowt to do with me why did you not send it back...I would re-deliver in person... but still you could send the poolice (it does sound like a lice fool of shit, how accurate, pmsl) after me, restraining order, stalking and all that crap...WHY did you not send it back?

Last time I asked you for closure, in October 2007! you were sorry...and coming back on the 20th of some...month..."sorry my life does not fit with your expectations" Did I have any...what ones should I have had..? can I have them in writing..? ie I promise you the earth but I'll move to the moon in the mean time...but I'll forget to mention. Let's see how will that make me feel?

How do you think the people feel when the Americans walk in with their ego of "shoot everything that moves"? I wonder who's rubbed off on whom..?

So I'm waiting for your reply with the GREATEST OF Anticipation's (so why again did your dad not call me? need to know!) does he need skiing lessons or how to be a father ones? What could I teach him? Can you drive his car now?

that mad woman from the Polski Land :)))

ps. You have 24h to reply, before I come looking for the answers in person...
NO MORE PISSING ABOUT! Spring is here... :))))
pps. the river and the dog and the sunset were great today.

From: Guy, Sent: Monday, 14 April, 2008 12:29:05 AM

If I have not been clear enough with my desire not to communicate with you, then I am sorry.

I don’t want a relationship of any kind with you.

I have said this a few times, asking you not to text or e mail. I thought you would understand the silence and the desire not to communicate.

I don’t like abusive and intrusive and I feel that you have done both. You may feel that you have done neither, however, it doesn’t matter. What I feel is what I feel, wrong or right.

My father is nothing to do with you, I gave him your details and if he doesn’t want lessons from you, then guess what, he doesn’t want lessons from you.

I have everything you ever sent to me in a pack, waiting for the day that I feel is right to send them back. That day is now.

I will send your gifts back.

I hope that you are ok and that you will be ok.

However, please walk away for I don’t want a relationship of any kind with you.

Hopefully this is clear enough for you and will give you the closure that you need.

From: Jane Eyre666 Sent: Monday, 14 April, 2008 3:49:29 AM

Yet you still failed to answer the questions why you were so nice in the initial emails and why you never kept any of your promises?

It's never meant to have been abusive or intrusive. I only googled your name looking for the books you might have written.
When did the abusive start...I only wanted an explanation from you why whilst proclaiming a GroundTruth you have failed to deliver any after promising so much...
Hey but if you never want to see me again don't send any stuff back,
I'll redeliver it to you in person...so don't...I have given you all that stuff because I really like you and not for any other reasons. I unfortunately, as some have said in the passed, have reasons for all I do in life, and fortunately my reasons with you were sincere...

So listen to the music and use the watch and I will not trouble you again. I did tell you, at times you need to be blunt, and it's best to tell the truth and not make promises you don't intend to keep...
I wonder if you actually realise that if it was someone with a little less strong personality you would drive them very close to the edge...

Where does silence, not replying, and not speaking your mind ever resolved anything??? You out of all people should know that.

I'll always wonder of what might have been (the in car was magical).
You don't get to know people by email, only initially and I recon your offer of friendship was nice but like with all the other things that you have promised it would never have happened. And I would be waiting for you to materialise any of that. And going out of my mind...waiting. At least now I know where I stand for sure...and I needed that desperately.
I'll get a divorce very soon, and guess what I will remain single...because I've committed my soul and it's a sad place, but I'll stay there.

I wish you the best of what the life can bring you, and wish that whatever dreams you might have they'll all come true...
Listen this track and it's lyrics
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=mSCGRvbBbcc

There's another CD on it's way to me and it's been a nightmare to get but I said I was getting it, so I will send it to you when it arrives...and don't try to send it back...remember me and my stupid thing about keeping promises...? well can't do it any other way...so please accept it for a final time.

email to Nick Ferrari 10-04-2008

2008-04-11T07:34:00.002+01:00

Dear Nick,

I'm writing to you with a hope that with my story few families could be spared what we as family had to go through. It may save a young person wasted years or lives too.

I'll start from the beginning though.

We as a family are quite normal, but that really depends what someone would define as such...

I'm Polish, left homeland at the age of 18 in 1986. Met nice looking Italian boy of 23, fell in love, got married. 10 months later on March 29th 1988 our only son was born.
Life was not easy, but we worked to pay the bills whilst my son was being looked after by my mother in law.

I came from a totally different background to my husband. An only child with everything, to a man from a family of 7 brothers with nothing.

I wanted to give my son the best that the life could bring. So we did tennis lessons, karate, swimming. He became a young flier at a tender age of 5. He had to go to see his gran in Poland as there was nobody to look aft him during the long summer holidays. I had to work and so did his father.

I managed to take them both skiing for the first time when my son was 14 in 2002. I learned to ski at 4-5 and stopped with the arrival in the UK 1986.

My son was always very good at school. I've made a lot of errors in his educations because of my lack of understanding of the system.

Thinking that my son will automatically admitted to a Catholic school because of his Catholic parental background was one of the biggest.

But I could not bring myself to lie about being a practicing Catholic when I wasn't, for the sake of my son getting a place at school. Church and hypocrisy spring to mind and I'm not even going to go there.

I did not put any pressure on my son preparing for the 11+ (we live in Bexley Borough) still not knowing about the catholic school rejection.

So he misses the target for grammar schools by 30 points...

Went to Bexleyheath School instead.

Parents’ evenings were a pleasure for me. His tutors were always very happy with him, he was doing very well.

He's taken 9 GCSE, A's B's hardly any prep.

Then came 2003, the year when it all went wrong. The last good thing of 2003 spring http://www.flickr.com/photos/adakaddy/sets/72157604186415707/

Went skiing again...my son being 15 was getting to be unbearable.

I was coming down the mountain often alone, as he was becoming to be a handful.

In the summer of that year he met his first girlfriend. In Blue Water, apparently she was shopping there with a friend.

Summer hols it's all fine, he would go there every weekend and be allowed to stay there even thought we had objections.

It was during the holidays so we could not find too many reasons why not.

When the school year started and the As levels had begun. I started to have great objections as my son seem to have been able to stay there every single weekend without anyone asking if it was OK by us nor why was he so often there.

He was going to St. Albans in Hertfordshire, 60 miles away from Belvedere, Kent! And coming back home alone at 1am.

The parents of his then GF, were two 50 odd year old who were separated, living in different houses. The daughter seems to have been going from one house to the next on the alternate weeks.

I have tried to plead/ argue / get to the common sense of the people, telling them that my son must not be allowed to stay there all the time..."tell him not to come here" was the answer I've received from the girl’s father.

The situation was deteriorating on a daily basis.

My son was listening to nobody. All the people on the outside thought of him as an angel, we got the other side...

One day when I came home from work at 6pm, my son locked himself in the box room (computer room) and was screaming he will kill us, that we should call the police or he'll do it. He had a row with is father...

We did not do such thing. He called them himself...they came and gave him a lift to the train station!!! New taxi service!!!
He apparently slept there that night...

Next I was called for an interview at the Bexley housing services. Separate interview, then with my son, who was as obnoxious as ever.

They obviously knew what they were doing, and saw through the lies of my son. His application for council accommodation was rejected on the grounds of him making himself homeless.

Few weeks later I was sent a standard form from St. Albans council asking for explanation of my son's homelessness, which is what he called himself when he approached the councils.
I responded to all questions, asking few of my own.
When reply never came, I phoned them. Nobody wanted to speak to me...all I got was the privacy laws thrown in my face! My son was 16! I wanted to know why I had no answers to my questions...WHY...? DO PARENTS MATTER? REALLY?

My son did not want to talk to us (why would he, it was all going according to his plan…) nor did anyone else...
We just wanted to distinguish between the right and wrong and hope for the best, but it seems the child I gave birth to was an orphan...
After all no one seems to have noticed he had parents to talk to, to consult, to verify a story...the truth...

...and my son was given a council flat, he was just turning 17.

Just a boy with a lot on his mind without a real channel to express it all, was left to fend for himself without any guidance, discipline, help, advice...

Yep, the council officials dealt with the issues... by chucking money at the problems, without finding out any truths...why would they need to?
9-5 with lunch and tea breaks... it's not their problem, who cares for the truth… it's not them it's going to affect.

They have a letter from Bexley Council stating Parents want child back, made himself intentionally homeless!

We tried to keep good relations after the flat. He had a job in M&S and was going to six form.
In October 2005 he was coming to see me for his driving lessons. We got him a VW Polo of EBay for Christmas. I hoped things would be OK. He passed his driving test on the 16th of January 2006, left six form 1 month later. Stopped going to work too, just lived in his flat...no one to see what was going on.

Got a estate agents job in Jan 2007, we had to lend him money to live on...he got the sack in May 2007...

One Monday in August 2007 i decided to make my motorbike ride destination to be my sons flat in St. Albans.
I went pass the armored guard that my son was mean to be, to find 2 young people sitting in front of the TV that was so quite it was not no hear-able.
It was midday on Monday, they all looked in a daze.
My son was not working now for 3 months, not claiming any benefits, where was the money to live on coming from...I don't know.

My son went to Sicily with his father to visit his gran who's ill with cancer. He tried to strangle his father when he disagreed with him about something.

He then returned back to England, apparently GF gave him money to change his flight.

I decided that my son needed to be shown some good things in life, so I booked a diving holiday to Egypt. Something that I promised him at the age of 10.
2 weeks later I had a credit card bill arrive, it was double what it was supposed to be. My sonny was using it without my knowledge. He thought it was his fathers'.

It was too late to cancel the holiday. In Egypt I have discovered the extent of his drug smoking problem and his uncontrollable rage issues.

We came back, my son had gone into one of his rages on our return. He wanted to be driven back to St. Albans that night, I refused, it was 12 midnight, I had work in few hours. Needed to call the Police, I feared for my life. I told his father to stay in the bedroom as he only made matters worse. This was 25th of November 2007.
He took a taxi back at a cost of £125.

Christmas was coming, he was not invited to his new GF. The first ones family always invited him, despite of my letters and calls not to.

We drove on Christmas day to pick my son up for lunch. He did not let me in...just turned up downstairs.

He was so stoned that I could not even talk to him. He slept all the way to Belvedere.

Whilst at home he kept going into the shed to smoke his crap.

We drove him back.

On the 27th, from the early hours I was on the phone to drug help lines.

Drove to St.Albans in the early afternoon.
I knocked on my son's door covering the peep hole. He opened but tried to stop me from entering, I managed to get in.

He was obviously out of drugs. He left me on my own in his flat in the next 5 minutes.

I've never been left there alone, so had a good look around. In the bedroom on the floor among all the rubbish, was a credit card bill with a sum of 3.5k. Final demand for payment.

In the corridor letters lay unopened, being walked on. Rent, council tax, water...bills. I started to open them all. It amounted to around 5k of debt.

I sat down and started to cry...asked his father to come up.

Started to call the housing departments, social services.

Social services were so "helpful" that I had to insist that someone speaks to me. In the end when they did, it was said that something has been omitted and rules were not followed when the flat was awarded. But since it's not their department I shall speak to the correct one.

The housing department advised me to get in touch with the department that deems someone homeless.
When speaking to them, most of the time I felt they could not get me off the phone fast enough. I felt like a nuisance, a pest.

I needed to write to the team leader. I did just that.
All my correspondence is in the attachments.

In the mean time someone at the housing department listened to my story and went to inspect my sons flat.

His living conditions were appalling, apart from the countless cigarettes buts, empty food containers his kitchen had the smell of rotting meat and eggs. All the internal doors were smashed.

My son cottoned on that his inspection was due to my interference. I had very nasty phone messages with treats of “stabbing in the head”!

As the "team leader" was SO "Helpful" with his answers I called upon the help of Freedom of Information Act. Did that help? Not a jot.

It seems that as a parent trying to bring children up the only parent that they really have is the government who can be the judge, jury and executioner in one and they have no accountability for their actions. They are a law onto themselves!

Whoever was and still is responsible for making their decisions has nil common sense and does not follow any rules of that.

After all why would they care if they ruin a family and write off 4 precious years of young mans life. As long as they have their job, their pay and tea breaks who gives a toss if someone really gets hurt.

I hope by making my story public all the council officials will take few minutes to think about what they are doing and perhaps this will not happen again. They should never attempt to replace parents, nor ever again forget that such people actually exist.

My son is still looking for work and still smoking drugs. I have found a way to get into his mind now, but it's slow and lengthy process. Minds heal slowly.

Kind regards and best wishes.

Monika .......

Ps. I’m looking forward to seeing you in Croydon on Friday.

Hidden Agendas

2008-03-29T06:47:00.000Z

Hi,

I keep thinking about the above trying to figure out what is your hidden agenda?

Because the facts as they are today only point in you having them.

You have been giving me snippets of your life your inner fears, things you did, or so you say...

Then wanted to be my student even after i had said you don't need lessons...I'M HONEST FOR GOD SAKE! I wish I could bring myself to lie...but I will not sink that low.

Then you offer a job, Get my CV yet not read it but say "impressive CV", in the pub you did not know my age! White lies ok being polite.
Bike rides.

Then I want a closure you don't give it...WHY? you're not planing on getting to know me...you stay away, even when you are not away....months!

All of those promises that have no substance or real meaning....they are all lies!

Why this mental cruelty? what have I done to you for you to string me along that way?

I'm a good person who people always have taken for a ride. I fell victim to this again, but I recon your tactics and lies were the best yet, you sounded so honest and genuine...

WHY did you do it. Do you realise it can destroy me? Your friends wife killed herself, what do you think your lies do to me??? Would you like to have the same done to you?
or maybe women did that to you and you've decided it's payback time eh? and I just happen to pass by..

I tried to believe your promises but how can I? Friends? Friends don't promise the earth and don't deliver even on one of those promises. Or do they just happen to me?

You have hurt me big time...I have waited for 7 months...for the truth...it's not going to happen is it?

They worst thing is that when I was in your company it felt so good and comfortable.

I've never been hurt like this before, because I never cared as much before.

I just wish I knew why you did it all though, what was your reason behind all the promises that you had no intentions of fulfilling?

What was your hidden agenda and ulterior motives? I guess you'll not be that brave to tell me...
Maybe you just enjoy this kind of cruelty...I'm sure it has a name somewhere...

AND I though that true Martial Arts and it's practitioners were about integrity, honesty, decency...
but maybe the Russian Systema carries within it the Russian "spirit" of collateral damage. All for the cause regardless of human cost...trust no one they are all your enemies...lie, kill, betray, destroy...

It's not the Polish spirit thought,
so guess you better stay out of my life for good
I want real truth not the Russian one or the one that you appear to have...

Or maybe you are just blind and deaf in the feelings department...Nah it was all deliberate...WHY tho?
I'm off to crawl back into my tank of armour, having a hart on a sleeve only gives people like you an opportunity to have a stab after a stab after a stab...
I thank you for reminding me how "good" this world really is :(

SO Thank you
it's been a pleasure at times

fight and pray and dream

2008-03-25T04:46:00.004Z

Where there's hope I fight and pray
Where there's none
I walk away....

But I'm not walking away from Guy nor Tino.
Tino has been saying he's sorry for getting drunk, hey he's not that drunk if he can say "sorry mum". Something he has not said very often in his life.

Guy is really pissed of with me for pushing him too hard.

"I don't want you in my life the way you are trying to be"

Perhaps as ms Jopek sings Love will win it all in the end. I'll fight and pray and dream...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJHARV22LTY

sunday 23-03-08

2008-03-24T07:06:00.000Z

Hey you,

Just got back from Pembury, and my life has more meaning now, thank you. Met 2 wonderful people Sue and Trevor.

Had a go at feeding cubs, but no so good at the standing up routine, I just want to cuddle them. In fact after the feeding I found myself having the whole lot sleeping on my lap. They are just so adorable. Will post pix later...

This morning it was SNOWING badly. Silly moo here went on the bike. Never ridden in so much snow fall or ever. Could not see much, had to clear the visor every few secs. Now I'm shivering and drinking hot red sangiovese listening to Leona.

I used to get pissed just to get pissed, and when I listened to Eagles I would just cry, don't know why...

I wonder what it feels like to find someone you love in bed with someone else, when you have been under the bullets...seeing death and destruction... DEEP SHIT! and they way you are even deeper...the wall of mistrust grows...

Riding was quite inspirational, it felt good just seeing the falling snow...I took it easy...don't want to die yet, not before I have lived...and knew you...

Can I ask you some things about you? You said you wouldn't know where to start...your parents and you...? what 's you dob?

I told you all about me...only few things left...you told me very little and long ago...but it gives me a big picture, I just see things somehow...I don't know why!!! Am I WRONG? pls talk to me...just talk, write...it's so good when you do, the way you write you have such talent!...in the beginning your emails would come up on my phone in the middle of the night...it felt great...i was waiting for them...

I regret not kissing you back on the "sundowner" meet. I needed TFT...the ignorant bastard who drove into my car did affect me...
And you left early too...
When your initial emails came, i thought someone was winding me up, knew me and did that just to pee me off...but it was not so.

Namaste? I have your picture from diving...boat 4 people you're on a far right...you did something (maybe) the site is gone now...but I was faster...

TFT had your address too (not there now, I'm faster!), but the thing is I spent 6 or more months watching property auctions trends, if I want to know I have the voters row, or title deeds to property, you have been doing loads of fleecing...maybe...I don't care...I didn't check...

I didn't want you to think that I was stalking you...just wanted to be close...searching for you...no expectations...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9ztc7UW_B8 lyrics aren't relevant here, just the music in the chorus, well the whole song...

I know you have doubts...I'll wait...time is all I have...I'll try to use my head and anticipation on the ride out tomorrow...

no more texts...sorry...too much..too early...too far...not ready too many doubts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AtjWBwFfGE

this one reads true...

trzymaj sie kochany
czesc
m
x

ps. its only taken since 3pm to write this, my feet are on fire now...warm blanket and bike socks :)

pain

2008-03-24T06:41:00.004Z

I need to put this down, I know how you deal with people. Trever told me, I did not ask him he just said it. They both like you.

Intrusion and saturation huh? You have built your world and you have steel wall protecting your feelings and emotions.
You're like the so much better version of me, and I love you so much that it hurts me inside.

I pushed you against a wall and called you a coward afraid of a woman.

you're nothing like it...but I need a reaction...
and now I'll wait...until you miss me and come to me...I don't know how long it will take but I know you'll come to me...time is all I have...
You are my destiny and my soul mate...I live and breathe you. All I want is to be by your side helping you to achieve your goals, do it together...

possibilities are endless like the universe...

I'll only let you read this when you come chasing me...

Now I'm off to get on with my day

emails without armour part 2. 20-03-08

2008-03-20T05:54:00.001Z

so i said I will send no more emails...year right..., shame it's a one way conversation but it will have to do for NOW!
So if you had read everything in chronological order you'll know how I feel...and I recon it's pretty amazing...
I ask for closure (hey I'm learning how to spell!) you tell me, "so sorry my life does not fit with your expectations..." I don't have any! just wanted to know where you disappeared to and that you were safe...
"I'm coming back around the 20th..." forgot to mention which month...
Then Christmas wishes...hunkering down with cats...the fire...

You just keep ticking those boxes one by one by one...AND IT'S driving me INSANE!

I can feel you have been hurt badly...and you don't want to be hurt again...

So you don't want a relationship...because you still have feelings for someone else, yet it's not a rejection...it seems a cry for help..."unless the feelings change or subside..." well I hear your pain...You made me see the light, now I'll help you...and I'll never hurt you...
But if I'm wrong I will walk away...but only if you want me to...

I've started an online blog...I'll let you read it some day...hopefully soon :)

The Dakar...want to be my co driver, navigator, mentor, teacher...?
I was so envious of Ellen MacArthur, although I would love to learn to sail, I could never be as good...great person she is!
Driving is me and you...!, Dakar is the challenge!
I don't want to take part...I want to WIN...your skills combine with mine... the team work in the car is like a dream!
I don't need to win the lottery, I have money, or the house and perfect credit rating with no outstanding debt. Lost so much money in the early years, using them to live life is like another dream...
Hey, it's so nice to have YOU in the middle of all of them :))))

I'm going to be a part of the fox project in Pembury...well you weren't talking to me so I went to find my own cubs...:))

Got bit peeved with the postman who posted a special delivery(my repaired phone) via the letter box, Siena had it for breakfast! She will not tolerate anything via the letter box. I thought the postman would know it by now...(he's such a nice person, maybe bit slow tho)

and there was a note, something too big for the letterbox, I thought YOUR watch was being sent back...felt down for a wee while ;) then thought, great let see what's Uckfield's like...
You could keep sending it back and I would use the SV to re-deliver... :P (colon p stand for a cheeky tongue. You have lived a different life..xxx)

Hey my amazing Guy...you better tell me when you get back this time, and that your Zen Dog approach to life meant you are taking a little time off to take a walk on a river with us (Siena would be coming!).
No rapids on those rivers around here, it's something else you'll have to show me how to do...x I'm up for any challenge :p (get it?) xxx I Know You DO! x

I need to translate all the music too, fab lyrics.
plan was you'll go back to the office first, get music, drive home, read emails.......

and tell me to get lost....................

but you won't

Jane Eyre (666!)

ps. going to see The Eagles at the O2 l8r. The final outing for these 3 people. Had to be poignant moment in time; Tino is 20 on the 29th and am 40 on the 5th (7 days apart exactly).
This life here seems like another lifetime...as if it had to be to make me who I am...
oh well...I'M back!

pps. i knew it was your home email...did not want to get in the way..of work

chasing my dreams continues...

2008-03-19T06:40:00.003Z

no one said it's going to be easy...but the reward will be even sweeter...
I think the watch is back...not sure have to collect a parcel too big for the letter box.

The stupid postman (not the regular one) delivered my phone (special delivery, to be signed for) via the letterbox...Siena had it for breakfast...so no phone repaired fro Tino...but will have a new one instead...world is full of imbeciles.

The watch being back is great...because I'll move my lessons tomorrow, get on the bike and ride first thing in the morning to deliver it back! ...and will deliver it back again and again if necessary...'cause I never give up, or give in! Weather looks wet and cold for tomorrow...oh well needs must...it's the last day before Easter...so no time left really.

hmm, it was not the watch...it was my super fast memory card extreme for the SLR.
What a lovely spring morning...need to learn how to add pix to this thing here...l8rs!

my last 21 odd years...

2008-03-18T05:26:00.004Z

what do you know about people at the age of 18-19? Not a lot...

So I thought I have found my soldier at the age of 18.5...I was wrong, it was not that soldier...
I tried to make it work...or rather he tried to beat me into submission, to become someone who he thought I was meant to be for him, or simply not understanding what I was actually saying to him...
I did not stand and take it...it was wrong in my eyes, so I fought back, EVERY TIME!

I won this war by not giving up on the fight. Was it worth it? Probably not, maybe it was just meant to be...

Then I tried to make him what I wanted him to be for me...the mate I always needed to share life with....teach him to swim, ski, horse ride...not possible. You either have it in you or you don't.
"you can bring a horse to water but you CAN'T make it drink"

So I have not succeeded here because it was not possible, I know at least I did not fall at the first hurdle, and that I gave it a damn good try...MANY TIMES!

So what now? Time will tell...but my spirit is back...and I'm off to chase my dreams...

Knowing what I want...it's being half way there....

I have met so many people who are living a lie, or maybe it's just that they really did not ask themselves, what it is that they really want.
They have not set any goals or desires and live day by day hoping that things will change for the better by themselves...

...well I "ain't" waiting, I need to be there making them happen...hey life is too bloomin short!

world's collateral damage...the rat race

2008-03-18T04:24:00.000Z

...it's people...
A lot of people are damaged by life,
I count myself lucky to be able to stand up and fight for what I believe in,
for MY integrity, justice and the truth...

because I can and I want to...I was lost in this rat race but now I'm found...

The Dakar

2008-03-17T00:00:00.000Z

It's all about goals...setting them and then achieving...
Dakar is next, but I need to have my co-driver, guide, and co-pilot. He's already here, he just doesn't know it yet...

I aim high, I aim to win...taking part is good but winning is sooooo much better. I'm not going to be there for the ride...going to be there to collect the prize! WHY NOT?

feminism according to me...

2008-03-16T07:59:00.002Z

So I swam, run, played football.
"Stop whistling" my gran would say, "it's not lady like..."
"I don't want to be a lady, I want to be me!". The tomboy inside me was screaming out. Am I a boy girl...was I meant to be a boy...?

NO! I'm a girl who finds the things that girls like... BORING...

But cliches, stereotypes, all the things that the humans with a blinkered vision say is "normal" tends to put a stop to many things...and makes many people unhappy...I'm very lucky!

There is no rule book which really tells us what is wright and what is wrong when it comes to us being who we are...
If we try to live by someones else's ideals in the long run we'll be unhappy...

So I run, train Martial Arts, ride a motorcycle, dive, swim, drive like a lunatic at times, ski of any mountain. I will go back to horse riding as well.

Am I a woman...? hell yes...but I AM who I want to be, forgetting what the cliches and stereotypes are, not really caring what most people will think about me. It's beyond the realms of their understanding, so I won't waste my time trying to explain WHY?

To me that's feminism...I will be who I want to be and I will not be told that I can't do it because I'm a girl, or I will not be as good as doing it because of it.

So what kind of man could fulfill wishes of a girl like me...?

chasing my dreams...

2008-03-16T07:51:00.000Z

No amount of money will buy true friendship and love.
I will give up every penny I have, chasing my dreams...my love, my soul mate...
Believe in the impossible...and make it happen...
Never give up...

happy relationships.....

2008-03-14T00:01:00.000Z

I have discovered that there is a level of understanding between us humans...and we need to find ourselves a partner who will tick many boxes to float our boat, not just one or two,

That person needs to have all the qualities which we'll admire in them, and not try and change to fit in in what we believe is right for them or us.

We need to keep our spirit and hope that by being with your other half your spirit will be lifted by them to the next level of happiness appreciating WHO YOU ARE! not what they want you to be for them! A slave in a way.

To my Soul Mate....destiny part 2, emails without armour...

2008-03-13T23:55:00.000Z

and I knew what "supper and an evening without armour" was meant to be, and glad it did not happen...things needed a sort out...

5-6th March 2008...edit...9th..3am,

Please tell me if I’m wrong…

I don’t know you at all really, but yet I know you somehow…

Your work is so specialised that only YOU can do it. And only you can do it because you have the experience, and dedication to sacrifice your life as in your lives quest because it’s YOU.
You can’t teach anyone what you know because experience cannot be taught, has to be lived. But who’s going to give up all their comforts in the long run…
but YOU also have that extra sense that was getting you through the check points…
Your perception, integrity, heart and the will to work that hard is The Essence of YOU…the other qualities I save for another time...

You have money but you don’t care about it too much, you reward your people in such way that they would never think of leaving you…"the best team on the planet" (I have my best friend, who wants to work for you...she's like that too, full of good...integrity...she's Spanish)

You have an Alfa that growls, because you like the growl and how it handles on the road.

You care for foxes little ones because you can’t bring yourself to see them die like that. When the car hits them it’s just bad luck…but the stupid moron driving could have prevented it!

You cared for tigers but left when the greed for comfort of the ones running it was too much. (google not perception about that, and I don’t know if you really left?).

I cherish all that is you, I don't want to change anything about you, it is you that I treasure, so rare in this world today it should only be embraced...
Why would anyone want to change any of that and kill the spirit within?

I don't know what you did to me or how you did it...I just know it feels so right as it has never done before. Call me insane or whatever, but I will NEVER let you go...you are just too perfect in every single way in all that I hold dear in my heart. So... Take all the time that you want in order to overcome your passed misfortune(S)...

I feel as if I'm living a fairy tale...I don't know how you found me...nor why, but when you did it was like jigsaw puzzles last piece fell into place making it complete...

I looked into your eyes and drown in the abyss of your soul...and it's a bright, warm, and comfy place...so I'm staying put...

I was riding my sv one Saturday afternoon, when van in front started to go around something. I went passed and saw a black cat knocked out.
It looked still alive…I went to the next roundabout and turned around to go and find the cat. Woman ahead had a car breakdown, and she moved the cat to the grass verge. As I stopped she said there is an address…cat was dead.

I went and knocked on the door…a young chubby girl appeared…I didn’t know how to say it…so had be blunt (I needed to look away quickly after the message) I didn't want to see her sorrow. She was very distraught, lady from the road said “bring a blanket” she took a blue fleecy one and went to collect the only thing in her life at that time that mattered to her. She came back clutching her cat. He was so nice, all black, only 1 year old (lack of experience and no luck death ). She asked me to stay with her cat. I just sat there, stroking the still warm black fur, positioning his paws so he looked like he was asleep, covering his body with his blue blanket. I stayed with her till her family arrived…
I try and teach those that I can teach how to anticipate those situations. Killing brings too much unnecessary pain.

Now for some logic, I think in the box most of the time…

The woman you love, or that you still love just confirms my point about you…a very good person.

The logical point here being is that if you still love her, means that she left you…but you still hope she will come back to you if you change your job, career and stay closed by, just watching things suffer from a distance…hence driving lesson…?

And another logical point being…did she really love you if she left you? Because you did not change your life for her, maybe in her eyes’ you did not love her that much…not enough
Never the less she’s not there for you...

I really know nothing though. So won't send you any more emails, as my psychology teacher friend said I'm delusional and if i don't snap out of it she'll call "the man in white coats" to help me .lol..and reality must prevail, after all I don't want "Man In White Coats" to come anywhere near me...

...but she lives in her little box, and I'm trying to chisel out a window for her so she can smell the air of possibility...

So in the best Spanish...Estoy esperando por ti...

....but please don't take too long 'cause I'll be 40 in few weeks...and don't want to wait too long. 40 years is long enough....I think!

It was so funny when you said "give me your address, I'll send your gift back...blah,blah...."
1. you have my address on the crappy CV I sent...so somewhere.. even in your inbox..
2. ...and there was a returns address on the "special delivery" sticker
3. if it came back, I would hand deliver it to the office on Monday...on the bike...and would want to see the reaction of the boys and girls at the door! returning gifts given from the heart is bloody rude.....

Love you lots...
Stay safe as I can't come to rescue you yet, as you did not teach me how to yet...well not physically....

Mon

ps.
I'm trying to copyright a title "The Human Rule Book" the new bible for humanity.....I think the old one is well passed it sell by date pmsl!

life

2008-03-12T16:37:00.000Z

Hey, so this is it, an online diary, never had a real one so not sure what to really do with this on lol.

oh well we'll see what the mind will bring....